Complications

          

These pastries are teasing me! They're on the no-no list :P

          It is a beautiful, rainy morning as I sit at a table in the noisy Starbucks near my school. I just dropped Jason off at work (somehow he got me to wake up at 6:30), and now I have about an hour until my speech class begins. I have to admit that I wasn't in the mood to write today, but somehow, if you sit in a coffee shop for more than ten minutes, the writing bug will catch you no matter what! 

          I am supposed to begin my bc in the next couple days for IVF, but I'm really worried about everything being pushed back yet again because of a complication that has arisen. Yesterday I got an ultrasound done, and they found a pretty big cyst, which is usually not something that doctors want to deal with when beginning IVF. It makes sense, because it could be harder to get pregnant with one, but it's still a giant bummer! My hope is that it will get out of my system naturally before I go in for my second ultrasound to start meds. If it doesn't, we will have to wait to begin until it dissolves, which could take up to three months. 

A reminder of the light at the end of the tunnel

          We have been having to push back IVF for various reasons for over a year now, so it's safe to say that I NEED a miracle this month. I believe that there is a Creator who is more than able to go above medicine and logic and heal us. I'm clinging to that hope this month. I've spent more time with God than ever before in my life, so I owe my future baby for that irreplaceable relationship he or she has already helped form. 

          As I've mentioned, I've already dedicated our baby to God, even before they are born. This is essential because as of now, they are with Him, not me. He is the only one taking care of them, and He is the one who has the decision of when they join Jason and I here. The only thing that really gives me comfort is the fact that right now, they are being taken perfect care of. I have 100% faith that they will be here soon enough.. So, it's just a continued waiting game for now. It's crazy how consuming this has become! I'm thankful for all the people who have listened, and who have chosen to understand this journey even though they don't have to. I am blessed through it all!

Above All

       Hi ladies! This weekend has been such a luxury, so I figured I should take this treasured time of relaxation and post an update! Today and yesterday have been heaven… Jason and I have had a chance to rewind and kick back for once. We spent almost the entire day yesterday watching Netflix (we’ve been loving Bloodline), and today we went to church. He is back in Denver now for work, but I am at home just thankful to be here. When you travel for business as much as we do, you really understand that there is truly no place like home.

       This past month was our last hope for this time in our lives of having a baby naturally, and it looks like that is not in God’s plans right now. So, that means…. We are about to start our IVF journey!!! We’ve been waiting for this for what feels like an eternity, so although it is of course a disappointment that we couldn’t conceive naturally, it is thrilling to know that our hope is now renewed. Our dream is so much closer now!

        With the giant leap we are about to take, comes the reality that it is not a perfect world. There are countless things that can go wrong, and nothing is guaranteed. Right now, we’re just hoping for the best and praying that we won’t have to face the worst. Some of our friends recently received a negative blood test after an IVF round, which was so hard to hear about. I can’t imagine what they are going through, but I do have faith that any negative result is not for nothing (forgive the triple negative). All of those hours, emotions, and shots invested have proved that they can get through it, and that it will be even more precious when their blessing comes.

      I had to take a step back and remind myself that I must trust God through the beautiful moments, as well as through the worst ones. His plan is always the best one. He knows what our outcome will be, He knows why we are going through this. On Thursday I spent my quiet time making the challenging decision to trust the Lord and believe in His plan above all, and through all. God does not give his children second best, and he wants us to be happy. It’s time to step into his calling without fear! If we let Him lead us, we will always be blessed.

Honesty

It’s been one of those weeks in which everything hits you all at once. You’re right in the middle of life and things on the outside are going as they should be. But you’re an ocean storm on the inside. You have so many overwhelming thoughts and emotions that real conversations seem like a dream. You’re living in your head. As my struggle with infertility has grown, that would be how I would describe it.

            I don’t know anyone in “real life” who really understands what I am going through (or at least that I know of), so I am praying I can find someone on the vast internet world to connect with on these feelings. I’ve been debating being public about my journey because for some reason, infertility is a medical diagnosis that our society hasn’t figured out what to think of yet. It’s absurd to me that if someone has diabetes or a broken leg, no one judges them for sharing what they’re going through. Infertility, however, has become such a private subject for whatever reason. I don’t think that’s right. It is a medical problem that takes a huge emotional toll, and the less we talk about it, the more it feels like a problem.

            My husband and I prayed and discussed sharing our journey for a long time, and we finally feel that this is what we are meant to do. We have had so many blessings and so much support from our community, that we are no longer afraid of judgment from cruel hearts who choose to misunderstand. I can’t make any promises about how often I’ll write updates on the subject, or what details I will share, but you have my word that I’ll always be honest, and I’ll do my best to be raw, too. 

            Jason and I have been trying to conceive for about a year with no luck. Due to his extensive injuries and shrapnel embedded throughout his body, we have known it would take a miracle since before we got engaged. Still, I was oblivious to the emotions I would experience after trying for so long. I will admit that I had a bit of pride for a long time. I was determined to not be one of “those” women who whined and got all down about not being able to have children naturally. I would stay positive no matter how long it took. I wouldn’t go crazy tracking and imagining symptoms. Ha! This week has pretty much hurled that egotistical approach right down the drain! This week it hit me: I’m tired of trying for nothing. I’m tired of getting my hopes up. I’m tired of seeing women who don’t even want kids get pregnant. I’m tired of staying strong and not venting about the condition Jason and I are suffering from, when anyone else with a medical problem is praised for sharing his or her journey.

            So, there it is. The cold hard truth of how infertility feels. It’s exhausting and consuming; yet somehow, we must cling to the hope of change at some point in the future. If we give up hope, we could create a self-fulfilling prophecy for our bodies. If anyone is reading this and knows the feelings, I pray that you are blessed soon with that bundle of joy you have prayed and waited for!

Blessed In the Stress

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance…Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial…”

James 1:2,12

 

What else are Sundays for?

It has been a beautiful autumn so far and I’ve been loving the fall colors. It’s my favorite season, due to the seasonal Starbucks drinks, layered fashion, perfectly balanced weather, pumpkin everything, and one of the best holidays: Halloween. (Do I sound like a typical white girl or what?) Jason began his job training this past week in Denver. It’s been a little crazy with driving and packing, but otherwise it has been peaceful knowing that we are beginning a more steady routine shortly. The best strategy that I’ve found so far for juggling all my responsibilities as a wife, a caregiver, my husband’s admin, a student, and a doggy mom, has been to just take everything one day at a time. The minute you think about everything you need to accomplish in the next week, month, year, etc., you will most likely find yourself as overwhelmed as I found myself a number of nights ago…

            It had been a crazy day. I don’t even remember the details of what was going on that day now, but I know I had been driving a bunch, cooking, helping Jason, and stressing about meeting school deadlines. I was tossing and turning in bed, as Jason was fast asleep. I worried about how I would possibly be able to do everything I am needing to in the next few months. Things have already been so busy and our schedule is crazy, but now that Jason has begun his job, I will have to also fit in driving him back and forth as well as to meetings. I am also his administrative assistant, so I will need to figure out a way to work at this second job part time. I allowed myself to get so worked up that I started putting the blame on God. How could You let one person be responsible for all this stuff? Why can’t You help Jason walk every day like so many other amputees? Why won’t You let us have babies naturally? Why can’t You just give us a break?

            Suddenly, my complaining came to a halt as I heard Him interrupt, “Be thankful that you are in a situation that gives you no choice but to be aware of your need for Me.” Those words were a revelation to me. All my life, I have come to God with desperation and need in a negative way, as if it is a problem. I have never looked at hard times as a blessing. He directed my thoughts to consider how I would most likely be missing out on the deep relationship I would have with Him if I were living a comfortable life. There are so many aspects of my life that leave me with no choice but to call on Jesus for assistance. It’s easy to forget how far I have come and how many mountains He has helped me over. However, if I take time to look back, there are countless situations that I know I could not have overcome if it weren’t for the direction of the Lord. My times of desperation have been some of my strongest points of commitment to God. When I think about it, His message about being thankful for the hard situations makes sense.  I’m sure you will find that it applies to your life as well.

            I hope this post finds you well, and if not, I hope you can join me in finding a grateful heart for even the hardest times. Your life will always feel like what you think of it as, so do you think of it as: a blessing or a curse?

With Grace,

Rachel

Cash, one of our two sweet fur babies