Testimony Tuesday: Me

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38-39

            I have felt a strong urge to create “Testimony Tuesdays,” and I have found that being faithful to my heart usually leads to beautiful outcomes. While I have yet to decide what this will look like exactly, or how often it will be, I plan on posting testimonies of women who have overcome with the help only God can offer. I was planning on postponing it until next week, but when inspiration strikes, I think it’s important to go with it.

            Today, I am going to write a brief summary of my testimony since this is such a last-minute post. When I look back on the girl that I was in high school and who I was in my early college years compared to who I have become, I have no choice but to believe in our Savior. I don’t have even the slightest shadow of doubt that there is a loving God above us, around us, and in us if we choose. He is my story, and I am honored to be His.

            Growing up, my life was simple. I can’t complain much about my childhood. I was blessed to have two parents who were married until I was 17. My brothers and I were best friends, and we spent countless days playing until our hearts were content. We were raised to know the Lord, and I believe that seed that was planted in me since I was tiny is what has saved my life time and time again ever since. In high school, I did my best to please everyone. I got good grades, I stayed out of trouble until my last two years, and even then, I was still a “good girl.” While I stayed busy with close friends and swim team, I struggled with deep layers of insecurity that manifested in various ways throughout the next almost decade.

            I remember joining the millions of girls across the country and world who look in the mirror and pick themselves apart for years. The list of things I loved about myself shrunk to a miniscule amount as I suffered a handful of heartaches and attempted to escape from them by partying and putting myself in risky situations. In college, I remember being at my very lowest when my boyfriend and I, who I had been with since high school, broke up for the fiftieth and final time. I had become a statistic of domestic abuse, and I was at a point where every ounce of love I had left for myself was dependent on his approval and his presence. When that was gone, I wanted to be too.

            I spent a couple years after that just trying to escape my own mind that was tormenting me. By going out, isolating myself from any positive influences, working multiple jobs at a time, going to school, and doing all sorts of things that I am ashamed of, I was temporarily silencing the screaming insecurity. As many of you know, those are all certainly temporary solutions. The condition of your heart will eventually catch up to you. I hated myself, and I was in a cycle of doing things to punish myself, which created even more hatred. It was a vicious circle that I believe would have ceased my entire existence if the grace of God had not intervened right when it did.

            In my last post, I mentioned that when I saw a friend request from the man of God who is not my husband, something deep inside of me said, “Everything is going to change, from now on.” And it did. Jason showed me a love I did not deserve. From the very first day we began dating, he treated me as if I was stainless. He did not focus on the tarnish that I had allowed to taint my view, and he did not question me about the things I had done that I was so embarrassed about. I have always said that he views me like a pure princess. After realizing that nothing I told him would change the way he loved me, I began to let my guard down. I no longer needed to drink to feel comfortable being vulnerable with my thoughts. When I looked in the mirror, I began to see the beauty he was always building up. When my thoughts wandered to my past, I began to make peace with who I used to be. I started reading the Bible and actually believing the words that God says about me. This change that had been started in my mind and spirit could not be contained, and before I knew it, my entire life was renewed. I know that the concept of light being unable to contain is old, but it’s completely true. When hope is burning so brightly in the depths of your being, your life cannot help but reflect that. I went back to school after dropping out for over a year, Jason proposed and we had not one but two dream weddings, I found direction and purpose, and we were given a house. I found community who truly cared about my little family’s well-being, and I was able to trust people again.

            Jason treated me as an innocent, pure, treasured, and worthy woman. Over time, I became all of those things. As I listened to his words and watched his actions, I realized that not only did he believe these things about me, but Jesus does too. I wish I could say I didn’t put up a fight, but I fought with every insecurity that I had allowed to grow into hard, jagged rocks. All of my resistance didn’t stand a chance against love. No matter what reinforcements were brought up from before, love was more powerful. That thing called love rushed in like a monsoon and destroyed every ancient wall within me. Jason was a beautiful reflection of Christ’s love for me. I had always doubted that God could ever love me so powerfully because I knew that I was a sinner and that I consistently fell short. I know that He used Jason to show me that His love is very real and tangible. Jason’s human is fulfilling, but God’s love is all-consuming. Ever since Jason came into my life, my relationship with my Father has grown and I have become a woman who I would have never believed I could amount to.

            I do not share my story to brag about how wonderful I am, because God knows (so does Jason and anyone else in my life) that I am so far from perfection. I share because I know that if Jesus could save me from that endless pit of self-hatred, I know he can save you from anything you are going through. The most wonderful thing about His love is that you cannot do anything to deserve it more than you already do, right now. You don’t need to stop bad habits, you don’t need to be a better person, you don’t need to go to church every week, you don’t even need to believe in Jesus. He still loves all of you with all of His being at this very moment. He loves you more than any person ever will. I don’t think there could be anything more comforting than knowing:

You are loved the most you ever will be right now.

The choice of what you do with that love is yours. I hope you will embrace it. I hope you will take all of His hopes and dreams for you and run with them. I hope you will allow Him to show you how to love yourself. And in turn, I hope you will be surrounded with people who love you too.

With Grace,

Rachel

*I know this post is way long, but get used to it for Testimony Tuesdays. If a story needs to be told, counting words is counter-productive! Thanks for hanging out with me!

I'm almost done posting wedding pictures.. maybe ;)