Honesty

It’s been one of those weeks in which everything hits you all at once. You’re right in the middle of life and things on the outside are going as they should be. But you’re an ocean storm on the inside. You have so many overwhelming thoughts and emotions that real conversations seem like a dream. You’re living in your head. As my struggle with infertility has grown, that would be how I would describe it.

            I don’t know anyone in “real life” who really understands what I am going through (or at least that I know of), so I am praying I can find someone on the vast internet world to connect with on these feelings. I’ve been debating being public about my journey because for some reason, infertility is a medical diagnosis that our society hasn’t figured out what to think of yet. It’s absurd to me that if someone has diabetes or a broken leg, no one judges them for sharing what they’re going through. Infertility, however, has become such a private subject for whatever reason. I don’t think that’s right. It is a medical problem that takes a huge emotional toll, and the less we talk about it, the more it feels like a problem.

            My husband and I prayed and discussed sharing our journey for a long time, and we finally feel that this is what we are meant to do. We have had so many blessings and so much support from our community, that we are no longer afraid of judgment from cruel hearts who choose to misunderstand. I can’t make any promises about how often I’ll write updates on the subject, or what details I will share, but you have my word that I’ll always be honest, and I’ll do my best to be raw, too. 

            Jason and I have been trying to conceive for about a year with no luck. Due to his extensive injuries and shrapnel embedded throughout his body, we have known it would take a miracle since before we got engaged. Still, I was oblivious to the emotions I would experience after trying for so long. I will admit that I had a bit of pride for a long time. I was determined to not be one of “those” women who whined and got all down about not being able to have children naturally. I would stay positive no matter how long it took. I wouldn’t go crazy tracking and imagining symptoms. Ha! This week has pretty much hurled that egotistical approach right down the drain! This week it hit me: I’m tired of trying for nothing. I’m tired of getting my hopes up. I’m tired of seeing women who don’t even want kids get pregnant. I’m tired of staying strong and not venting about the condition Jason and I are suffering from, when anyone else with a medical problem is praised for sharing his or her journey.

            So, there it is. The cold hard truth of how infertility feels. It’s exhausting and consuming; yet somehow, we must cling to the hope of change at some point in the future. If we give up hope, we could create a self-fulfilling prophecy for our bodies. If anyone is reading this and knows the feelings, I pray that you are blessed soon with that bundle of joy you have prayed and waited for!