Complications

          

These pastries are teasing me! They're on the no-no list :P

          It is a beautiful, rainy morning as I sit at a table in the noisy Starbucks near my school. I just dropped Jason off at work (somehow he got me to wake up at 6:30), and now I have about an hour until my speech class begins. I have to admit that I wasn't in the mood to write today, but somehow, if you sit in a coffee shop for more than ten minutes, the writing bug will catch you no matter what! 

          I am supposed to begin my bc in the next couple days for IVF, but I'm really worried about everything being pushed back yet again because of a complication that has arisen. Yesterday I got an ultrasound done, and they found a pretty big cyst, which is usually not something that doctors want to deal with when beginning IVF. It makes sense, because it could be harder to get pregnant with one, but it's still a giant bummer! My hope is that it will get out of my system naturally before I go in for my second ultrasound to start meds. If it doesn't, we will have to wait to begin until it dissolves, which could take up to three months. 

A reminder of the light at the end of the tunnel

          We have been having to push back IVF for various reasons for over a year now, so it's safe to say that I NEED a miracle this month. I believe that there is a Creator who is more than able to go above medicine and logic and heal us. I'm clinging to that hope this month. I've spent more time with God than ever before in my life, so I owe my future baby for that irreplaceable relationship he or she has already helped form. 

          As I've mentioned, I've already dedicated our baby to God, even before they are born. This is essential because as of now, they are with Him, not me. He is the only one taking care of them, and He is the one who has the decision of when they join Jason and I here. The only thing that really gives me comfort is the fact that right now, they are being taken perfect care of. I have 100% faith that they will be here soon enough.. So, it's just a continued waiting game for now. It's crazy how consuming this has become! I'm thankful for all the people who have listened, and who have chosen to understand this journey even though they don't have to. I am blessed through it all!

Above All

       Hi ladies! This weekend has been such a luxury, so I figured I should take this treasured time of relaxation and post an update! Today and yesterday have been heaven… Jason and I have had a chance to rewind and kick back for once. We spent almost the entire day yesterday watching Netflix (we’ve been loving Bloodline), and today we went to church. He is back in Denver now for work, but I am at home just thankful to be here. When you travel for business as much as we do, you really understand that there is truly no place like home.

       This past month was our last hope for this time in our lives of having a baby naturally, and it looks like that is not in God’s plans right now. So, that means…. We are about to start our IVF journey!!! We’ve been waiting for this for what feels like an eternity, so although it is of course a disappointment that we couldn’t conceive naturally, it is thrilling to know that our hope is now renewed. Our dream is so much closer now!

        With the giant leap we are about to take, comes the reality that it is not a perfect world. There are countless things that can go wrong, and nothing is guaranteed. Right now, we’re just hoping for the best and praying that we won’t have to face the worst. Some of our friends recently received a negative blood test after an IVF round, which was so hard to hear about. I can’t imagine what they are going through, but I do have faith that any negative result is not for nothing (forgive the triple negative). All of those hours, emotions, and shots invested have proved that they can get through it, and that it will be even more precious when their blessing comes.

      I had to take a step back and remind myself that I must trust God through the beautiful moments, as well as through the worst ones. His plan is always the best one. He knows what our outcome will be, He knows why we are going through this. On Thursday I spent my quiet time making the challenging decision to trust the Lord and believe in His plan above all, and through all. God does not give his children second best, and he wants us to be happy. It’s time to step into his calling without fear! If we let Him lead us, we will always be blessed.

Honesty

It’s been one of those weeks in which everything hits you all at once. You’re right in the middle of life and things on the outside are going as they should be. But you’re an ocean storm on the inside. You have so many overwhelming thoughts and emotions that real conversations seem like a dream. You’re living in your head. As my struggle with infertility has grown, that would be how I would describe it.

            I don’t know anyone in “real life” who really understands what I am going through (or at least that I know of), so I am praying I can find someone on the vast internet world to connect with on these feelings. I’ve been debating being public about my journey because for some reason, infertility is a medical diagnosis that our society hasn’t figured out what to think of yet. It’s absurd to me that if someone has diabetes or a broken leg, no one judges them for sharing what they’re going through. Infertility, however, has become such a private subject for whatever reason. I don’t think that’s right. It is a medical problem that takes a huge emotional toll, and the less we talk about it, the more it feels like a problem.

            My husband and I prayed and discussed sharing our journey for a long time, and we finally feel that this is what we are meant to do. We have had so many blessings and so much support from our community, that we are no longer afraid of judgment from cruel hearts who choose to misunderstand. I can’t make any promises about how often I’ll write updates on the subject, or what details I will share, but you have my word that I’ll always be honest, and I’ll do my best to be raw, too. 

            Jason and I have been trying to conceive for about a year with no luck. Due to his extensive injuries and shrapnel embedded throughout his body, we have known it would take a miracle since before we got engaged. Still, I was oblivious to the emotions I would experience after trying for so long. I will admit that I had a bit of pride for a long time. I was determined to not be one of “those” women who whined and got all down about not being able to have children naturally. I would stay positive no matter how long it took. I wouldn’t go crazy tracking and imagining symptoms. Ha! This week has pretty much hurled that egotistical approach right down the drain! This week it hit me: I’m tired of trying for nothing. I’m tired of getting my hopes up. I’m tired of seeing women who don’t even want kids get pregnant. I’m tired of staying strong and not venting about the condition Jason and I are suffering from, when anyone else with a medical problem is praised for sharing his or her journey.

            So, there it is. The cold hard truth of how infertility feels. It’s exhausting and consuming; yet somehow, we must cling to the hope of change at some point in the future. If we give up hope, we could create a self-fulfilling prophecy for our bodies. If anyone is reading this and knows the feelings, I pray that you are blessed soon with that bundle of joy you have prayed and waited for!

Blessed In the Stress

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance…Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial…”

James 1:2,12

 

What else are Sundays for?

It has been a beautiful autumn so far and I’ve been loving the fall colors. It’s my favorite season, due to the seasonal Starbucks drinks, layered fashion, perfectly balanced weather, pumpkin everything, and one of the best holidays: Halloween. (Do I sound like a typical white girl or what?) Jason began his job training this past week in Denver. It’s been a little crazy with driving and packing, but otherwise it has been peaceful knowing that we are beginning a more steady routine shortly. The best strategy that I’ve found so far for juggling all my responsibilities as a wife, a caregiver, my husband’s admin, a student, and a doggy mom, has been to just take everything one day at a time. The minute you think about everything you need to accomplish in the next week, month, year, etc., you will most likely find yourself as overwhelmed as I found myself a number of nights ago…

            It had been a crazy day. I don’t even remember the details of what was going on that day now, but I know I had been driving a bunch, cooking, helping Jason, and stressing about meeting school deadlines. I was tossing and turning in bed, as Jason was fast asleep. I worried about how I would possibly be able to do everything I am needing to in the next few months. Things have already been so busy and our schedule is crazy, but now that Jason has begun his job, I will have to also fit in driving him back and forth as well as to meetings. I am also his administrative assistant, so I will need to figure out a way to work at this second job part time. I allowed myself to get so worked up that I started putting the blame on God. How could You let one person be responsible for all this stuff? Why can’t You help Jason walk every day like so many other amputees? Why won’t You let us have babies naturally? Why can’t You just give us a break?

            Suddenly, my complaining came to a halt as I heard Him interrupt, “Be thankful that you are in a situation that gives you no choice but to be aware of your need for Me.” Those words were a revelation to me. All my life, I have come to God with desperation and need in a negative way, as if it is a problem. I have never looked at hard times as a blessing. He directed my thoughts to consider how I would most likely be missing out on the deep relationship I would have with Him if I were living a comfortable life. There are so many aspects of my life that leave me with no choice but to call on Jesus for assistance. It’s easy to forget how far I have come and how many mountains He has helped me over. However, if I take time to look back, there are countless situations that I know I could not have overcome if it weren’t for the direction of the Lord. My times of desperation have been some of my strongest points of commitment to God. When I think about it, His message about being thankful for the hard situations makes sense.  I’m sure you will find that it applies to your life as well.

            I hope this post finds you well, and if not, I hope you can join me in finding a grateful heart for even the hardest times. Your life will always feel like what you think of it as, so do you think of it as: a blessing or a curse?

With Grace,

Rachel

Cash, one of our two sweet fur babies

Testimony Tuesday: Me

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38-39

            I have felt a strong urge to create “Testimony Tuesdays,” and I have found that being faithful to my heart usually leads to beautiful outcomes. While I have yet to decide what this will look like exactly, or how often it will be, I plan on posting testimonies of women who have overcome with the help only God can offer. I was planning on postponing it until next week, but when inspiration strikes, I think it’s important to go with it.

            Today, I am going to write a brief summary of my testimony since this is such a last-minute post. When I look back on the girl that I was in high school and who I was in my early college years compared to who I have become, I have no choice but to believe in our Savior. I don’t have even the slightest shadow of doubt that there is a loving God above us, around us, and in us if we choose. He is my story, and I am honored to be His.

            Growing up, my life was simple. I can’t complain much about my childhood. I was blessed to have two parents who were married until I was 17. My brothers and I were best friends, and we spent countless days playing until our hearts were content. We were raised to know the Lord, and I believe that seed that was planted in me since I was tiny is what has saved my life time and time again ever since. In high school, I did my best to please everyone. I got good grades, I stayed out of trouble until my last two years, and even then, I was still a “good girl.” While I stayed busy with close friends and swim team, I struggled with deep layers of insecurity that manifested in various ways throughout the next almost decade.

            I remember joining the millions of girls across the country and world who look in the mirror and pick themselves apart for years. The list of things I loved about myself shrunk to a miniscule amount as I suffered a handful of heartaches and attempted to escape from them by partying and putting myself in risky situations. In college, I remember being at my very lowest when my boyfriend and I, who I had been with since high school, broke up for the fiftieth and final time. I had become a statistic of domestic abuse, and I was at a point where every ounce of love I had left for myself was dependent on his approval and his presence. When that was gone, I wanted to be too.

            I spent a couple years after that just trying to escape my own mind that was tormenting me. By going out, isolating myself from any positive influences, working multiple jobs at a time, going to school, and doing all sorts of things that I am ashamed of, I was temporarily silencing the screaming insecurity. As many of you know, those are all certainly temporary solutions. The condition of your heart will eventually catch up to you. I hated myself, and I was in a cycle of doing things to punish myself, which created even more hatred. It was a vicious circle that I believe would have ceased my entire existence if the grace of God had not intervened right when it did.

            In my last post, I mentioned that when I saw a friend request from the man of God who is not my husband, something deep inside of me said, “Everything is going to change, from now on.” And it did. Jason showed me a love I did not deserve. From the very first day we began dating, he treated me as if I was stainless. He did not focus on the tarnish that I had allowed to taint my view, and he did not question me about the things I had done that I was so embarrassed about. I have always said that he views me like a pure princess. After realizing that nothing I told him would change the way he loved me, I began to let my guard down. I no longer needed to drink to feel comfortable being vulnerable with my thoughts. When I looked in the mirror, I began to see the beauty he was always building up. When my thoughts wandered to my past, I began to make peace with who I used to be. I started reading the Bible and actually believing the words that God says about me. This change that had been started in my mind and spirit could not be contained, and before I knew it, my entire life was renewed. I know that the concept of light being unable to contain is old, but it’s completely true. When hope is burning so brightly in the depths of your being, your life cannot help but reflect that. I went back to school after dropping out for over a year, Jason proposed and we had not one but two dream weddings, I found direction and purpose, and we were given a house. I found community who truly cared about my little family’s well-being, and I was able to trust people again.

            Jason treated me as an innocent, pure, treasured, and worthy woman. Over time, I became all of those things. As I listened to his words and watched his actions, I realized that not only did he believe these things about me, but Jesus does too. I wish I could say I didn’t put up a fight, but I fought with every insecurity that I had allowed to grow into hard, jagged rocks. All of my resistance didn’t stand a chance against love. No matter what reinforcements were brought up from before, love was more powerful. That thing called love rushed in like a monsoon and destroyed every ancient wall within me. Jason was a beautiful reflection of Christ’s love for me. I had always doubted that God could ever love me so powerfully because I knew that I was a sinner and that I consistently fell short. I know that He used Jason to show me that His love is very real and tangible. Jason’s human is fulfilling, but God’s love is all-consuming. Ever since Jason came into my life, my relationship with my Father has grown and I have become a woman who I would have never believed I could amount to.

            I do not share my story to brag about how wonderful I am, because God knows (so does Jason and anyone else in my life) that I am so far from perfection. I share because I know that if Jesus could save me from that endless pit of self-hatred, I know he can save you from anything you are going through. The most wonderful thing about His love is that you cannot do anything to deserve it more than you already do, right now. You don’t need to stop bad habits, you don’t need to be a better person, you don’t need to go to church every week, you don’t even need to believe in Jesus. He still loves all of you with all of His being at this very moment. He loves you more than any person ever will. I don’t think there could be anything more comforting than knowing:

You are loved the most you ever will be right now.

The choice of what you do with that love is yours. I hope you will embrace it. I hope you will take all of His hopes and dreams for you and run with them. I hope you will allow Him to show you how to love yourself. And in turn, I hope you will be surrounded with people who love you too.

With Grace,

Rachel

*I know this post is way long, but get used to it for Testimony Tuesdays. If a story needs to be told, counting words is counter-productive! Thanks for hanging out with me!

I'm almost done posting wedding pictures.. maybe ;)